Something for you to cling to
by NegativeBlue
Summary: She watched as they left, through a haze of tears; with choked off sobs shaking her frame as she tried to keep herself together for a while longer. She watched them until the car was nothing more than a blurry yellow speck. And then there was nothing left and yet she was unable to turn away. (Post 3B one-shot)


_A/N: This fic plays somewhere after Zelena has been defeated. It basically deals with the idea of Emma and Henry being unable to adjust to Storybrooke anymore and moving back to New York. It also assumes Hood never was around._

_-x-x-x-_

* * *

She watched as they left, through a haze of tears; with choked off sobs shaking her frame as she tried to keep herself together for a while longer. She watched them until the car was nothing more than a blurry yellow speck. And then there was nothing left and yet she was unable to turn away.

Because if she turned away she had to face the truth. That the only thing left for her was returning to an empty house that brought on far too many memories of happier times.

Of a baby crying in his crib. A toddler crawling through the living room. A growing child running through the hallway and leaving his clothes strewn around the house, despite of how many times she told him not to.

She wondered, as she continued to stare at the empty road stretching out in front of her, if it would be too much to cling to. If there would be a time in the future when she looked at her fingers and imagined the happy memories of the past slipping through them like her visions of the future had.

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey."

She smiled despite herself, because it reminded her of Neverland and how awkward their encounters had been back then. How awkward they apparently still were.

It wasn't until Henry noticed the tension hanging in the air and thankfully made himself scarce by suggesting he would grab his bags from the car, that Regina allowed herself to relax a little. Relax more than she had since their departure over a month ago.

"Everything going okay?"

"Henry's doing fine."

And she wasn't at all surprised to hear Emma answering her question like that. Though she did wonder for a moment how transparent she must be, for Emma Swan of all people to see right through any facades. Still, seeing Henry like this, the way he carried himself lighter than she remembered, was better than any of the many phone-calls they had shared.

"I'll be at my parents' if you need me for anything."

The part where they would leave again late Sunday afternoon went unspoken. And Regina was glad for it. Saying goodbye again wasn't something she wanted to think about. It just made her think of how many of them it would take for her to break.

* * *

She was holding Andrew and walking along the windows, smiling at the sounds the baby was making when she heard someone enter the room.

She knew it was Emma before she spoke up, though she didn't turn around initially to face her.

"He seems more quiet," Emma said softly as she walked up to them.

"He is. I suppose he exhausted himself after crying for so long."

She expected Emma to say more. But all she did was stare at her baby brother for a long time, while seemingly working up the courage to ask something.

"I've thought about it. Especially when I'm there, in New York. I see them pass me by sometimes, women with their baby carriages, and I think of Henry and then hits me that it was never real. That the memories will always be fake. And I think about it Regina, I think about what it would be like to have another child. To see them actually grow up. To have it be real."

She didn't say anything in return, she didn't even know what to say. She wanted to be angry at Emma for not appreciating that at least she had Henry in her life while they were in New York. But she also knew they were past that. They had been past that for a while now

Instead they stood together in silence, watching as the baby made his little baby noises and occasionally reached out as if trying to grasp for something. When he smiled, Emma smiled back and she bent forward to press a soft kiss to his forehead.

And the things Emma told her tumbled through her head, even as Emma stood back up. They locked gazes somewhere in the middle, and she couldn't help wondering what Emma was thinking at that moment, when the mask slipped away and revealed a certain kind of sadness that Regina was unable to comprehend.

She should have been happy, Regina thought, leading that life she had always wanted to. She should have been happy, but she wasn't. Though before she was able to question Emma about the things she was hiding from everyone, Snow entered the room and announced it was time for Henry to unwrap his presents.

And they weren't alone again until the moment at the door. Until another goodbye, and Regina never asked. And she wondered, as the car drove away again, if she ever would.

* * *

The visits became more infrequent after Henry's birthday, though Regina pretended she didn't notice. And emma always had some excuses ready, so Regina didn't question it further.

* * *

"You don't look so well."

She used to have an instant reply ready. Some witty remark to bite Emma's head off, but her heart was no longer in it, and all she managed to conjure up was a quick unimpressed look.

"I could say the same about you," she managed after a long moment of uncomfortable silence. She poured the coffee into two mugs without even asking if Emma wanted some, or if she was even staying at all.

"Yeah, guess it's been a busy few months."

She refrained from commenting on how it had been two months this time. Two months since their last visit. Two months since she had laid eyes on Henry. The tight bearhug he would give her at the moment of their return back in town wasn't enough anymore for her to look forward to.

She knew all too well that it would likely be three months next.

* * *

It was four months instead

* * *

She sat outside watching the snow falling down, painting the landscape in a pristine white color. It would be christmas soon and she didn't want to think about it. What it would be like. Even with the Charmings likely inviting her, it wouldn't be the same. And she had long since stopped fooling herself that anything would ever be the same.

"I thought for a while that maybe Henry would miss things too much over here." She choked up despite herself as she held out her hand and caught a few of the snowflakes. "Miss me too much. I thought that he would only stay away for a few weeks before he decided he didn't like New York after all."

"Regina…"

"I do not blame you."

"I blame me. I think he does miss you but.."

"Not enough to want to stay," Regina finished for her.

Emma's little affirmative nod was the only answer she got and Regina sighed and stood up from the bench. She had expected the other woman to settle down with someone by now, form some kind of family, lead a happy life. But the way Emma had avoided any and all questions concerning the life she was leading was evidence enough that she hadn't.

"I miss you," Emma said so softly it was almost a whisper. But Regina had heard it anyway and she watched, stunned speechless as Emma closed her eyes, snowflakes clinging to her eyelashes and then turned back towards the house.

* * *

Before they had made the decision together she had had many late night talks with Emma. And it had been an eye-opener for her to realize how similar they truly were in some ways.

They had already grown closer during the battle with Zelena and the aftermath. They had grown closer when Emma had lost her magic for a while and struggled with the possibility that she would never regain it.

She remembered the breakdown as if it had happened yesterday. When they had failed to find a spark of magic yet again and Emma had just collapsed right there and then. Fallen to ground in the middle of her garden and clawed into the grass as she let out anguished sobs. It hadn't been just about the magic. It had been about everything she had lost. Everything she wanted back.

She had hesitated for only a moment before kneeling down and embracing Emma from behind. And she had wrapped her arms around the woman and had just let her cry without speaking a single word.

They hadn't talked about it when it was over, though Emma had avoided her for a few days afterwards. The only time it was brought up was a few days before Emma left, when she had finally managed to light a candle, and practically launched herself into her arms. There had been a kiss pressed to her cheek, and the sweetest smile aimed her way she had ever seen.

On the heels of that had been that awkward moment when Emma had drawn back and looked at her. Really looked at her. And something had twisted in her belly when their eyes had locked and for a moment she had wondered what would happen if she stopped fighting whatever it was that had always been between them. It had been just a moment, but then Emma had frozen in place and turned away.

She had left two days later and they had never talked about it since.

* * *

"It was ma's idea, mom," Henry said. It was christmas day and Regina hadn't counted on this.

The smile Emma had given her as they unwrapped their presents had warmed her heart. Had made her think that maybe things could turn out to be okay after all.

* * *

She had called them a few times, and though Henry had answered almost every time, making excuses on Emma's behalf, it hadn't been enough to assuage her worries.

"I just want to talk to her," she had said. Though she left out the details. She left out how she had kissed Emma on impulse, long after Henry had gone to bed, long after she had been too inebriated to care anymore.

And she was so sure Emma had kissed her back. Though she didn't remember much about the exact moment it had happened anymore. But she was so sure, that when she closed her eyes and envisioned it, she could feel how Emma's fingertips glided along her cheeks, settling in the nape of her neck, pulling her closer as their kisses deepened.

She didn't remember when they stopped. She didn't remember falling asleep. All she remembered was waking up and how they had left. Henry still hugged her but Emma hadn't even looked at her. And when she tried to stop her, tried to insist they needed to talk, Emma had wrenched herself loose and told her to forget it ever happened.

She wanted to. Oh how she wanted to.

But the memories still lingered.

* * *

Almost four months has passed again and Regina wondered if this was the point where they might not return at all anymore.

* * *

It was four and a half months later when Henry did. Alone. And Regina tried to hide how much it hurt. She thought it ironic that it was Snow of all people that noticed first how upset she truly was. Though she assumed Henry had likely slipped her some details of what had been going on during the past few months.

Despite her persistence, Regina didn't tell her anything right away. Instead she bottled it all up, determined to make the most out of the time she got to spend with Henry again.

But the moment he was gone, she could feel all the cracks in her facade give away. She cried herself to sleep and expected to be alone when she woke up again. Snow was still there however, and after the first word escaped across her lips, Regina found she couldn't stop anymore.

They talked until the morning and Regina felt better than she had in a long time.

"You should talk to her." Were Snow's parting words.

And though she had long since shed all the tears she was able to, she found them burning in her eyes anew. "I wish I could," she had told Snow, and she had turned back to stare out of the window as she heard the door fall into the lock.

* * *

There were days when she cursed herself for giving Emma and Henry these memories at all. They were the bad days. The days when she drank too much and demolished half the furniture in her mansion without having a care in the world about who might see it.

The pictures she had of them usually calmed her down long enough for her to see reason. Though she couldn't help shake the feeling that she had let her happy ending run away from her without trying to run after it.

* * *

"If it's too difficult for you I can stop calling you, sweetheart."

"No. It's..it's okay."

Though she could hear the way his voice broke halfway through. There had been more pauses during their conversations on the phone. More breaks where he didn't know what to say. Awkward silences when he had accidentally mentioned Emma's name and she hadn't known how to respond.

"Henry…" she had tried. Because she couldn't bear the thought of losing him too.

The silence stretched on for so long, that for a moment Regina thought he had walked away to get his bearings. But she thought she could still hear him breathing every now and then, and eventually, after another moment, she heard him audibly scrape his throat before he spoke up again.

"You should come over here," he whispered so softly she thought she had imagined it at first. "Grandma won't tell me what happened between the two of you but ma hasn't been herself for months now. Not since christmas." He stopped again, and she swallowed thickly around the lump in her throat, not sure of how to respond. "Did you guys..did you fight? Is that why.."

"Henry no. We didn't…" she sighed and thought about how to explain it to him. That she wasn't even sure herself what had been happening between the two of them. That she thought about how she should have never let them go to New York in the first place. That the distance and the infrequent visits had made her realize things she wasn't able to properly put in words yet.

"You should come over," he repeated.

And she couldn't tell him no.

* * *

It took her another week to gather her courage.

* * *

She stood in front of the apartment door and checked if it was the right number, for what had to be the tenth time at least. Her hand rose again to knock but yet she hesitated. She hesitated because if she did this there would be no turning back.

But then, she thought, as she stared at her trembling hand, there hadn't been any turning back since she had kissed Emma all those months ago.

At the very least, if this didn't work out, Henry wouldn't be there to witness it. She had pleaded for him to find somewhere else to be for this day. And after he had made her promise him to at least search him out before she left again, he had finally conceded.

She raised her hand again, and after taking a deep breath, knocked on the door.

"Henry, did you forget.."

Emma's entire face fell the moment she laid eyes on her, and Regina swallowed as she tried to appear unaffected by seeing the other woman for the first time in months.

"I thought we should talk," she said. Inwardly congratulating herself for speaking without having her voice break.

"I..don't know if we should," Emma said after a pause. She wrapped her arms around herself and stared at some fixed point above Regina's head instead of at her.

"Perhaps we shouldn't then. Though at the very least allow me to apologize for what happened between us. I just thought that..others shouldn't suffer for my lapse of judgement."

"I.."

Emma frowned, though she still refused to look at her and Regina felt her heart drop in her chest when she thought of everything she had ruined between the two of them.

"Your parents would really like to see you again. And you do have a baby brother who is growing up rather quickly."

"I know," Emma said softly, before closing her eyes.

"You do not.." Regina felt her throat constrict with withheld tears but still she pushed on. "You do not need to see me again if that is what bothers you so much. I could stay out of your way when you are in town."

"Regina that's not at all…"

"Not at all what?" She finally muttered out in an aggravated tone. "You do not answer your phone for months, and then you do not bother to visit the town at all anymore. So it's not at all what Emma? Was it so horrible for me to kiss you that you had to avoid absolutely anything to do with me afterwards?"

"You don't understand."

"Then make me understand. For once talk to me instead of shutting me out. I haven't been able to figure out what has been going on with you since you left. And you never talk to anyone about it, not even your parents or Henry."

When there was no response forthcoming except for Emma turning away to look at something in her apartment, Regina shook her head sadly. "I don't know what else you want me to say Emma. But at least consider what I've told you. At least consider the other people you've been ignoring these past few months."

She turned around, with her hands balled at her sides and walked back through the corridor. There was this brief thought which came to her that she hadn't even properly said goodbye. That this might have been the last time she laid eyes on Emma and she hadn't even said goodbye.

But then she thought of the first time, at the townline, over a year ago now, and she looked at her splayed fingers and imagined everything really was slipping away from her.

* * *

She had called Henry as soon as she had arrived back at her hotel room and assured him that nothing bad had transpired at Emma's apartment. Even though she knew it hadn't been exactly the truth.

He had stopped by not too long after and she had been relieved when he had hugged her without saying a word, the moment she had opened the door for him. She had told him the most important bits, and also broke the news to him that she would leave again the next day. She didn't tell him that she didn't want to stay in this city any longer than needed. Because she knew that the longer she stayed the more tempted she would be to visit Emma again and she couldn't do that to herself. She couldn't keep hitting her head against these walls Emma put up without there being a chance that Emma would ever actually let her in.

In retrospect she thought she should've stopped trying a long time ago.

* * *

She was already in bed when the knock sounded and though she hadn't been asleep for long, she still had to squint against the light after she flipped the switch and walked to the door. Tying her bathrobe, she opened the door without a thought. She had naturally assumed it would be Henry, had actually counted on him stopping by in a bid to make her stay for a little while longer.

She thought of all the ways to let him down gently as she opened the door, only to be stunned speechless when she was greeted by a disheveled Emma standing in front of her.

Any angry words got stuck in her throat when Emma looked at her. Her eyes red and puffy, and shining with a desperation that made Regina suck in a shaky breath.

She wasn't able to get out a single word before Emma lunged for her, her hands clasping her head on either side, as she connected their lips almost violently. The kisses were uncoordinated, messy in their intensity, tasting of the same desperation which Regina had seen shining in her eyes moments ago. It also did things to her heart and soul that she had been trying so hard to bury.

"S-stop," she managed to stutter out, as she finally broke away. Her breath was coming in quick pants and they stared silently at each other for a long moment before closing the door of the hotel-room.

"You can't just.."

"Can't I?" Emma interrupted her before she was able to finish the sentence. "You make this all about me, but what about you Regina."

Licking her kiss-swollen lips, Regina looked everywhere but at the shaking woman standing in front of her. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Why didn't you come with us?"

"What?!" She questioned incredulously.

"You got under my skin you know. You got in here," Emma said with a shaky voice as she placed a hand over her heart.

"You opened me up, but you never finished it. I lost everything before that. I lost a year of my life. I lost this guy who seemed so great, that seemed like the future I once wanted and turned out the be a freaking flying monkey. I lost Neal for good. I lost Hook because he betrayed my trust. And I.." she stopped then and Regina whipped her head up when Emma grabbed her by the arms and pushed her back against the wall. "I lost you before I even got you. I needed that break. I needed to be away from all the crazy shit down there. I needed time to process things, to process the fact I got a baby brother that was growing up with all the things I had so desperately wanted when I was but a kid myself, Regina."

"Emma.."

"You should've kissed me at the town-line."

She opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn't find the words. Instead she thought of the way Emma had stared at her when they had said their first goodbyes. The way she had hugged her just a little bit too tightly and never seemed to want to let her go.

She thought of the way Emma had dropped hints about how beautiful New York could be, and all the sightseeing one was able to do, and wondered how the hell she had just misinterpreted all of it.

"Emma.." she tried again. There were a million things she knew she should say. A million questions burning on her lips. But they had all waited for so long now already, she thought they could wait a little longer still.

Leaning forward, she captured Emma's lips again and this time neither of them stopped it.

* * *

"You should've told me before you left."

She could feel the bed moving and glanced sideways to find Emma studying her, one elbow up and her head resting in the palm of her hand. "I don't think I really knew then. I don't think I realized until I visited you again."

"What about the kiss?" She asked after staring into Emma's darkened eyes for a while longer.

"I had been seeing someone for a while when that happened. It messed me up," Emma said, and Regina could detect the vulnerability as she spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"I know, I should've talked to you about it instead of working myself deeper into this damned hole I had fallen into." Emma sighed then, closing her eyes, and Regina leaned in on instinct and softly kissed her on the lips.

"Are you still going to leave again tomorrow?"

"Emma.." Because she didn't know how to answer that. And she certainly couldn't promise her anything, not while she thought of all these months she had spent miserable and alone and taking it day by day.

One of Emma's hands reached out and cupped her cheek, and forced her to look right at her. And even in the dimness of the bedroom, she could see something naked and vulnerable in Emma's eyes that wrapped itself around her heart and wouldn't let go.

"Stay."


End file.
